


Post-Breakup Disaster (coda 15.03)

by losereality



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Breakup, Coda 15x03, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Drinking, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Prayer, Sam Knows, Supportive Sam, fading powers, poor communication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-24 15:47:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21640405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/losereality/pseuds/losereality
Summary: In which Dean is not okay after Cas walks out on him. Sam knows what's up. Cas isn't answering anyone's texts. Dean prays to Cas. Basically a huge post-breakup disaster after the end of 15x03.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 52





	Post-Breakup Disaster (coda 15.03)

**Author's Note:**

> not beta'd, written in the frenzy of nanowrimo. I hope you enjoy it!

Dean stood leaning back against the table, grip tighter than he’s ever held on to a table ledge before, just trying to steady himself. Emotions run through him like he’s just been hit by a train. He never expected  _ this _ . He expected yelling, anger, huffing, storming off like they always do. It’s the only time Dean lets himself feel and actually emote in front of another human, er well, person, angel - well Cas. Cas is the only person Dean has shown he’s truly not okay in a very long time. Sure he talks to Sam, but recently it’s versions of “damn, fuck it all, but we keep fighting” not letting Sam really see the pain he’s hiding deep inside. Partly because he can see clear as day that Sam is not okay by a mile and can’t keep it to himself, and partly because he genuinely cannot explain all the ways it hurts. They’ve lost everyone now. Mom, Jack, hell even Rowena, and Kevin again. It fucking hurts. It’s a hurt that will take a very long time to heal. And to add salt to the gaping open wound in his chest, God himself told them that nothing is real. Or something similar in so many words. They haven’t ever had free will. They were puppets all along. Nothing. None of it. The bad and the worse was just for God’s shits and giggles. The butterflies and heartbreak that he’s never been able to define now can be defined as a special brand of torture specially designed for Dean Winchester. And the cause of the undefined, or possibly repressed, feelings? Well they just walked out of the bunker and said they weren’t coming back. Solves it, I suppose. But then why does it hurt more than it ever has? Dean has lost Cas before. Hell, he’s died his fair Winchester share. They have been family as much as he’s been willing to let him in. They’ve been each other’s confidant since they met, since Cas ‘gripped him tight and raised him from perdition’, they have that ‘more profound bond’. They are family, best friends, brothers, but at the end of the day Dean knows they’ve always been more but never spoke the words. The long(ing) stares, the prayers, the almost confessions. It’s why he’s not scared to yell and tell Cas how mad he really is and he’s fine with Cas giving it right back. They don’t have to agree. They are such different people. They make each other better. Dean knows this. He always has. He always will. And now he’ll never experience it again because this time he said too much, he pushed Cas too far. Cas left him. Cas  _ left him. _ I suppose at the end of the end Dean’s surprised it took this long for the angel to leave just like everyone else in Dean’s life does. Even Sam’s done it a time or two.

Dean stands and takes a step away from the table. He releases the edge and looks down at his hands. Pure white from gripping so hard. They tingle as the blood starts to rush back. 

“FUCK” Dean yells to the empty room “FUCKING FUCK” He can feel the heat behind his eyes coming in fast and his eyes starts to feel wet as he tries to swallow away the tears. He makes his way to the cupboard. He’s lost the only person he can talk to who will listen, so that only leaves his liqueur shelves left. Dean knows he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, especially when he attempts to use it as a coping mechanism, but he doesn’t give a single, solitary fuck at the moment and he’s fully prepared to drink himself into unconsciousness. There’s a little piece of hope that maybe Cas just left to clear his head, but Dean knows deep down he won’t come back. It’s on his third consecutive shot of whiskey that all the recent memories of treating Cas like absolute shit come flying back to his head, making him feel like he’s drowning while muffling down sobs. He was angry at the world and took it out on Cas. Regret wouldn’t begin to qualify his feelings, but he honestly never thought it would come to this. It’s their thing. He’s mad, he’s mean, Cas talks sense into him. I guess there was no more hope for sense for this one since Dean never even let Cas get a word in. He had feigned courtesy in asking if he was okay after a fight, and shutting him down when Cas tried to continue the conversations. And now? Dean’s seen enough chick flicks to know Cas basically just gave an Oscar worthy break up performance, even if they aren’t dating. That’s what it sure as hell felt like. And before he walked out Cas said his powers aren’t working. 

/Has that what he’s been trying to say this whole time? He needed my help and I just didn’t care enough to listen because I was mad?/ Dean hates himself even more knowing that Cas is out there in a hell of a world with no powers to protect himself. /But he said he killed Belphagor? What happened down there?/ Dean wants to know the answer, wants to get more information on how Cas is hurt so he can help, hell even just stand there as Cas screams in his face, but he knows none of it will ever happen. It’s over. Cas will never answer his calls, probably can’t hear his prayers. Sam’s gonna be pissed at him. He just drove off what he could only qualify as Sam’s best friend. Not like they have many options. And they are both nerds after all.

After about 12 shots Dean is slumped against the kitchen stove in no state to stand and walk to his bed. He gives in and just cries, sobs heaving through his chest, full on brokenhearted sobs. He can’t seem to compose himself even when he hears Sam gingerly walk in.

“Dean?” Sam approaches, obviously not knowing what to do. “Dean? What happened?”

Dean can’t find the words to explain, but he grabs ahold of his brother when Sam bends down next to him. Sam holds him until he passes out. He doesn’t get any info from Dean, but he can guess  _ /who/ _ it’s about since a certain someone isn’t around. This is going to be bad. Sam doesn’t know what to do, but he knows his brother well enough that even if he tried to bring it up in the morning Dean would act like nothing had happened and go on like everything is normal. He’ll never get an answer. He gets Dean to the couch then goes off to his own bedroom to try to get any sleep at all. When he’s settling down in bed he reaches for his phone, writes out a text, and hovers his thumb over send while rereading it to make sure it won’t fuck things up more than they are. It’s simple, vague, he doesn’t want to scare Cas off from talking to him before he gets the conversation started:

‘Cas, are you okay?’ Sam doubts he’ll get a response for a while.

——-

Dean woke up the next morning feeling worse than death itself. And he should know. He’s experienced it a time or two. At least dying ends. This hangover to end all hangovers just keeps feeling worse as time goes on. He’s not 20 anymore, but will that stop him from drinking to the brink? Hasn’t yet.

Dean slowly sits, then somehow manages to stand and grump his way through his usual morning routine. As he makes his way to start coffee every single thing from the fight, breakup, Cas’ dramatic departure comes rushing back. And the guilt hits him like Miley Cyrus riding that wrecking ball right through his chest. He chokes on a breath and the outer edges of his vision go dark from shock. He’d really hoped he’d awaken for a terrible nightmare, but here he stands bracing another ledge, this time the counter in the kitchen. He shakes his head to try to clear it, which obviously doesn’t work and just makes him nauseated and dizzy. As the pot starts to drip Sam walks in the room and eyes him with worry.

“Hey Dean.” Sam is tiptoeing around the words he wants to speak, obviously piling on the gentle, kind bother into his tone.

Dean grunts in response.

“Dean, I bought some greasy breakfast food. I didn’t know if you’d be able to stomach it this morning, but I thought I’d have it at the ready if and when you’re ready to eat.”

“Thanks, Sam. Just leave it by the couch. I don’t want to smell it right now.” Sam graciously obliges.

“And Dean, I know- I mean- It’s just-” Sam fumbles over his words because, just like typing out that text to Cas last night, he doesn’t want to make anything worse. But he needs to know how he can help. Or at least what is going on. So he doesn’t say /He’s really not back?/ and instead tries “When you’re ready to talk, I’m here.”

“Nothing to talk about” Dean responds, shocking literally no one in the entire world, but mostly not Sam.

Sam scoffs in response. /So that’s how it’s going to be? Again. Per usual? No wonder Cas finally left your ass./ he thinks, harshly sure, but Cas wasn’t the only one who had to put up with Dean’s shit when he got in his moods.

“Dean, I beg to differ. Your /sobs/ from last night beg to differ.” Sam wasn’t in the greatest mood to begin with before having to play middleman. He tries to tone down his harshness, but there’s still bite on his tongue.

Dean’s visibly embarrassed. His moves to stare at the floor like it’s the most interesting piece of art in all the world. He presses his tongue to the roof of his mouth to fight the sting that’s building behind his eyes again.

“Sam,” Dean coats his words with venom, something he normally saves for speaking with demons “I /said/ there’s nothing to talk about.” He makes eye contact with Sam long enough to glare with hate.

“Yeah, Dean, I heard you. I hear you every time. Clearly you are NOT okay. And Cas is gone. You are not the only person who cares about him, you know. He’s my best friend, too. Or- Well, you know what Dean? Suffer. That’s clearly what you love to do. And you love bringing everyone down with you. I’m not surprised he-” Sam caught himself before he said the vile words that were meant to cut deep. He shouldn’t have said any of it, but hell, he drank himself to sleep too, just not as dramatically, and he feels like crap too, and he’s still out here trying to take care of his big brother only to be met with no appreciation and no thanks and nothing but trying to get him to leave. He shouldn’t have done it, but he’s not going to walk out. He’s going to stand here and try to help. Through their imperfections. He knows Cas would listen to Dean shouting, he’d never go into the room because he’d have enough of it growing up and Cas is a big boy. 

After a beat Dean looks up at Sam with hurt glassed behind his eyes. “You’re not surprised he /what/, Sam?”

Sam takes a big calming, meditative breath to calm down and regain control of his emotions. His lashing out isn’t helping the situation. “Nevermind, Dean. I didn’t mean- I just. I’m sorry. I’m sorry Cas… left. I mean, Dean, I want to help, but you won’t tell me anything. He left, yeah? Gathering from him not being here, and your reaction. He’s gone, isn’t he?” Sam was stumbling over his words saying everything at once and nothing at all. He’s already made the situation worse, so at this point, he’s just asking and not trying to tiptoe around because clearly he’s not in the mindspace for that frustration.

Dean’s voice is barely above a whisper, wimper may be a better description, “Yeah, Sam. He’s gone.”

“... What happened, Dean?” Sam moves to make them both coffees and Dean collapses into a kitchen chair.

“Sam, I /really/ don’t want to talk about it right now.  _ Please _ .” Dean begs his brother to leave it go.

“Dean, I don’t really want you to suffer alone, you know that, right? I want to help and I can’t unless you talk to me. Com-mun-i-ca-tion, Dean.” Sam again catches himself in time this time before continuing /maybe that would have helped you both out/, though he keeps his tone kind and open this time round.

“I don’t want to talk about my feelings, Sam. Cas left me- he left… us. He said his powers weren’t working and that he thinks I don’t care about him and that he believes I think he’s dead to me and he walked out the door making it very clear he wasn’t coming back. If I recall his exact words were ‘I think it’s time for me to move on.’” Dean uses hand gestures to cut through the emotion in his voice, faintly distracting from his again reddening eyes.

“Dean.” Sam doesn’t really know where to start. There’s the whole story, minus the emotions behind it all. And a very loud argument he knows he heard. Cas has no powers and he’s off by himself? Great. And what the actual fuck did Dean say to him, or do to him, to make him that convinced that Dean doesn’t care about him in the slightest, because it’s pretty obvious to the entire world, or at least to Sam right now looking at his brother who hasn’t stopped crying since last night, that Dean cares about Cas more than most everyone, probably literally everyone besides maybe Sam himself. And ‘Cas left me’ sounds an awful lot like a breakup. Which Sam can’t say he’s surprised but, Dean has never actually said so much, and they’ve never- or at least openly, in front of Sam, no Sam’s fairly certain nothing has actually happened between them. At least physically, in his presence, or he hasn’t heard them even talk about love or anything. /okay stop/ Sam regains his thoughts. Rambling overthinking aside, no shit they’re in love. It’s so obvious. Is this what it’s about? Cas got fed up with Dean never showing his love for him? Well it can’t be that simple since Cas could have acted himself. /Step back/. Dean’s head over heels in love with Cas, is scared to say so, is acting like a grump, and Cas just BROKE UP WITH HIM, even though they were never technically dating. Sam does not want to even attempt to talk this through with Dean because one- he won’t get anywhere if Dean can’t even admit he’s SAD right now and two- there’s no way Dean is going to let all that flow out of his mouth and three- it’s still not going to help the situation. They need to get Cas back to safety first, then deal with whatever the fuck it is going on between Dean and Cas. It’s always been a demented form of salsa, but never with this aire of tragedy.

Sam tries again. “Dean. You said Cas is without his powers? Did he say where he went? He could be in danger.”

Dean apparently hides his pain in anger all the time because he replies with snark. “Sam, if he had told me where he was going, don’t you think I’d be out there going after him?”

Sam however didn’t miss a beat “Why didn’t you go after him?”

“I-” dean starts but can’t seem to find his words. “He made it pretty clear he was done with me, Sam.”

“Us, you mean?” Sam eggs him on, not putting too much effort in hiding the fact that he’s trying to get info about Cas’ whereabouts while simultaneously trying to get Dean to confess his love for Castiel.

“He actually didn’t mention you, Sam. So there. Maybe you can keep your best friend. Like last time when you two secretly talked behind my back.”

“I can try to get in contact with him, if he’ll talk to me. But Dean, the only reason he even talked to me last him is that I swore I wouldn’t tell you. So I’ll tell you, but you need to play along.” Sam is not about to mention that he’s already reached out to Dean with no luck.

“I just- please, Sam. That nerd will get hurt. I just want him to be okay. Happy. Even if it’s not here.” Dean is stirring his coffee mindlessly, but Sam doesn’t miss that he might be almost letting him in, letting his emotions be seen.

Sam fakes texting Cas, but he does check to see if he’d responded or pinged on location. Nothing. “Done. Dean, did you check his gps?”

Dean’s eyes light up with a sliver of hope. He grabs his phone and checks “Nothing.” His eyes dim back to sadness.

“Dean… I know our lives suck. Hell, most days I dream of trading it all in for a normal life. But as we always say, this is our life. And the world is better for it. And I thought that’s how Cas felt too. Why do you say he’s not happy here?” Sam’s risking a lot here, but he made Dean’s coffee extra sweet, so maybe he won’t lash out quite yet.

“Because that’s what he said. He thinks I hate him and clearly he was done with me.”

“But not with me?”

“No, Sam. I’m the one who screams in his face and treats him like garbage.”

Sam was not expecting that response. Clearly he’s missed a lot. “Dean, what are you on about?”

“I blamed him for everything and I let him know. Even though it was unfounded. Even though I knew it wasn’t his fault. You know I lash out and I guess I chose him because he’s the one who listens to me. I mean, I just don’t talk to you about everything I guess, no offense. It’s just. He listened to my prayers back when I thought I was begging God for help. He’s seen me at my worst. I guess until last night I’ve never let you see it. And I just grabbed the rope he’d thrown me and pulled too hard. Or whatever metaphor you can input into this scenario. Cas was always there for me and I took him for granted. It’s my fault he’s gone and there’s nothing I can do to bring him back.” Dean can’t believe he actually let all that fumble out of his mouth.

“I’m so sorry, Dean. I should have tried to intervene sooner. I noticed you two weren’t on great terms, but we were all going through shit. Sorry.”

“Sam, none of this is your fault. Never think that. Here you are after god knows how I’ve treated you too just trying to help your fucked up brother.”

“Dean” Sam chuckles to break the tension “we’re all fucked up. Stop beating yourself up about the past. We need to work on getting Cas home. Even if he’s upset for a while.”

“Sam. Castiel is an angel. An infinite being. He’s been alive forever and will continue to exist long beyond our deaths, as long as we don’t get him killed first, again. He made it clear he’s done and he’s moving on.”

“Well, I’ll see what he says when he texts me back” Sam careful to use when instead of if. “Dean, can I ask you something and you promise you won’t shut down or lash out? I mean you don’t have to tell me, I just…” Sam lets his words trail out as he builds up the confidence to actually say what he’s about to.

“No promises, but shoot.” Dean looks Sam in the eyes and on the surface is a flat, bored, hungover attitude, though just under the surface is that layer of pain still riding strong and fear because he’s ninety percent certain he knows exactly what Sam is about to ask.

“Dean, are you and Cas… are you… do you…?” Yeah, Sam just can’t get the words out.

Yeah, Dean knew it. “I care about Castiel very much.” Dean doesn’t know why he says anything, really.

“Do you love him?” Sam manages.

Dean swallows, takes a sip of coffee (which is probably answer enough), swallows again, and says matter of factly “I care about him very much” the emphasis on the repetition bites through the air. It is the closest thing to a love confession that Dean has ever done.

“Okay, Dean”

They sip their coffee in silence for a few minutes checking their phones. Sam doesn’t know why he tries again.

“Dean…” Dean looks up from his phone back to Sam, that same stoic but shaky facade living on his face.

Dean raises his eyebrows with an “mm?”

“Have you ever told Cas that you ‘care about him very much’” Sam uses airquotes to let Dean know he’s not going to forget what Dean said but also he double makes sure there is no joking or judgement in his voice or movements.

Dean looks up and away, presses his tongue against his front teeth in thought. “Well, not in so many words.”

“So no, then?”

“I guess not, Sam.”

“So you never told Cas you lo- er- cared about him and you were a dick to him and he thought you hated him and so he left?”

Dean rolls his eyes “yeah, I guess so, Sam.” Dean moves to put his mug in the sink and walk away from this conversation.

“Dean, why didn’t you just tell him how you felt?”

“It’s not that simple” Dean’s stopped back at the table, no idea why, he could just leave and go to his room. But he does want to fix this and well, Sam hasn’t laughed at him anyway.

“Okay well I’m just going to say it the way I saw it, Dean. Sit down. Don’t say anything until I’m done. I think we can fix this. Or you can fix this.”

Dean begrudgingly takes a seat, eyes glued to the table.

“Okay, Dean, you and Cas have been in a relationship for like a decade but neither of you have ever said so much so it’s just frustration and tension and pain and longing and I don’t get what he sees in you but Cas is kind and you were both in better moods around each other, usually. But you went A DECADE without saying ANYTHING and as you said Cas is an angel, he probably was just done with the heartache and you lashing out at him, even if you were doing it because he’s basically your boyfriend, your confidant, your anchor. He steadies you, regardless of labels. And you never told him that you love him. That, and correct me if I’m wrong, after I’m finished, but that you are in love with him. Not just family of hunters bond, but that profound bond of romantic soulmates. And you NEVER SAID ANYTHING. And Cas is over here a literal angel knowing that he’s not supposed to love a human and won’t move until you do and you NEVER DID. I mean no shit he’s done beating around the bush, Dean. And I don’t really know why he just never kissed you and got it over with and happily ever after or whatever, maybe with that whole infinite thing he’s scared to lose you eventually so it’s easier to never have you at all. Listen, I watch a lot of christmas movies, don’t judge me. Anyway Dean. Tell Cas that you love him. He’s already gone, what’s the worst that could happen at this point? Look at it this way, there are two possible outcomes, he stays gone or he comes back and loves you back. I mean there’s also a third option that you say nothing per usual and I somehow convince him to come home and y’all limp along in this heartbreaking hellscape you’ve created never being fully happy and he’ll continue to think you don’t really care about him. But by all means, Dean, It’s your choice.”

Dean is in shock. Literal shock. Gripping another ledge to yet another table. Sam just said all that and it’s like a punch in his gut because it’s not like he’s wrong. He’s always known.

“Let’s go with option three, Sammy” is all Dean can say and GOD DAMMIT if they don’t both want to punch Dean’s lights out right in this moment.

——-

After lunch Dean is cleaning their dishes after they spent the meal not talking and on their phones. “Any word?” /from Cas/ Dean doesn’t say as he asks the question to Sam.

“No, still nothing, Dean. You know what you need to do.”

“Sammy…” Dean really doesn’t /want/ to tear his own heart out, but it can’t be any worse than how he currently feels anyway. “Cas broke up with me. He broke up with me. You are right, we weren’t dating. Nothing ever happened. But it still feels like a true and through break up and I’m sorry but it /hurts/, Sam. I miss Cas. I love Cas. There I said it. I am in love with Castiel. And he just broke my heart. So I’m sorry but I just can’t do it yet. Even if I called he won’t answer. And without his powers he wouldn’t be able to hear my prayers if I tried. I’m sorry.” Dean let it all out. Just a few tears roll down his face. He braces for Sam’s retort, but it doesn’t come.

“I’m sorry too Dean. We’ll see if he texts back.”

——-

That night Sam goes out to buy food for dinner since they aren’t in any state to cook a proper meal though they both need one. Before he leaves the car Sam pulls out his phone to try and text Cas again.

‘Cas. I hope you are safe. I am so sorry that Dean treated you like he did. I’m sorry if I did.’

Send.

‘Please come home.’

Send.

‘Please. Just let me know if you are okay.’

Send.

‘I can get you money if you need it.’

Send.

He sees three dots indicating Cas is typing a response. They disappear.

‘Dean hasn’t stopped crying since you’ve left. He’s in a really bad way, Cas.’

Send.

Sam knows that was stupid and he shouldn’t have sent it and Dean is going to kill him and he’s in no position to guilt Cas into coming home and honestly at this point he doubts it will work, but here he is. No take backs.

The three dots come back. They disappear. They come back. It seems like 5 minutes later Cas sends a response:

“I can’t return.”

Shit.

—--

Dean is sleeping on the couch when Sam returns. He lets him sleep as he sets the table and wakes Dean as gently as possible knowing full well he’s probably about to get a gun pointed in his face for doing so.

Dean rubs the sleep out of his eyes as he sits to eat. In their state it seems that all they do now is eat, sleep, mope, and cry. But they keep going anyway.

“Hey, Dean?”

“Hmm?”

“Cas texted me back.”

Dean’s head snaps up to attention. His eyes as big as they can be. “And?” he manages to get out, barely.

“He said. And I quote. ‘I can’t return’ and that’s it. I texted him again just asking if he’s okay, and please come home and that’s what I got ‘I can’t return’.” Sam watches as Dean’s heart breaks all over again “I’m so sorry, Dean. But I really think you need to talk to him.” Dean tosses his own phone Sam’s way.

Sam takes it and looks. It’s open to recent calls. 56 outgoing calls to Cas, all unanswered. Within the last hour. Ouch.

“He clearly doesn’t want to talk to me.” Dean puts his head in his hands and tries to rub away the headache of this mess.

“I’m sorry. Maybe if we give him some time he’ll come around. He usually does.”

“I don’t think so this time, Sam. But yeah, we’ll see.”

A silent dinner after that.

Sam can hear Dean crying in his room as he settles down in his own to attempt to sleep. Neither brother sleeps much that night, but seeing how puffy and red Dean’s eyes are in the morning, Sam guesses he is the better rested of the two of them.

______

Sam wakes up to a text from Cas on his phone. Sent at 3am. Cas still doesn’t sleep apparently.

‘I am sorry. Sam, you are kind. Thank you. This is not your fault. Not Dean’s either. I know how he is. I made a choice. I am sorry. Please don’t come after me.’

Sam decides not to tell Dean about this one. He does respond though.

‘Cas just tell me you are okay and keep me updated when you can. We care about you.’ Sam tries to say more without typing the words with that last line. He doesn’t know if Cas will take it that way, but at this point, there’s no harm trying everything.

——

Cas runs his thumb over the screen. ‘We care about you’. God how he wishes that were true.

——

At lunch Sam tries Cas again since he didn’t respond.

‘Cas, please respond that you are okay’

Cas responds.

‘I am not okay.’

Sam about spits out his food. He stares at Dean. Back at his phone. Dean can put it together. Something is wrong. Something is very wrong.

“What Sam? Is it Cas? Is he okay?”

“It seems he is not” Sam tries to find calm in his voice, but it’s shaking with worry, though not as much as Dean’s as he shouts in response.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN?” Dean grabs Sam’s phone and reads the last message, surprisingly he doesn’t scroll up before handing it back to Sam. “Sam! Did he tell you where he is? He needs our help!”

“Sorry Dean, no, he didn’t tell me anything. That was it.” Sam texts back frantically as he sees Dean continuously calling on his own phone.

‘Cas, where are you? I can help. I won’t let Dean follow.’

A surprisingly quick response from Cas:

‘You can’t help me Sam. Help your brother.’

Shit. Again.

‘Dean is physically fine, Cas. He’s heartbroken, but he’s not in any danger. What’s wrong Cas?’

Dean finally stops calling and instead heads to his room to pack a bag to take off after Cas.

‘No danger, but I’m weak. Powers are drained. I fear I am becoming human again.’

A beat.

‘I’m heartbroken too.’ Cas adds.

Sam wants to respond and tell Cas that his brother is madly in love with him, but instead he moves to Dean’s room and informs him that Cas didn’t tell him where he is, but that he is very weak and human-like, but safe for now. Dean collapses onto his bed and drops his face into his hands. Dean is really fucking trying his best to keep it together for everyone’s sake but he just can’t.

——-

That night after Dean gets ready for bed he heads outside instead of to his bed. His head aches from crying and he doesn’t know what else he can do. He goes into the woods, kneels down, and starts to pray. He stops himself, takes out his phone, hits record on his voice notes, and starts again.

“Hey Cas…. I don’t know if you can hear me, so I’m recording this. It’s stupid and I probably won’t actually send it because praying is like talking into the void with the hope that /someone/ hears, but you won’t answer my calls so I don’t know what to do, Cas.” Dean swallows, sighs, and continues on. “Cas. Castiel. Please come home. You have me and Sam worried. I am so scared. Sam said you’re human again. Come home, we have a warm bed for you, food to eat, a shower, everything humans need!” Dean chuckles to break the tension in his own voice. “I am so sorry you are human, Cas. But really, humans can be alright. Look at me! Maybe not the best example, but look at Sam! He’s okay. Sorry. Castiel I am so fucking sorry.” Dean’s tone changes with that. The tears are back. He’s emotionally raw and he has nothing left. He’s begging. “I am sorry I lashed out at you when I was angry at everything. You don’t deserve it. I knew you’d listen. You always listen. And I took more from you than I deserved. I deserve nothing from you and there you are always giving to me. I understand why you are fed up with my behavior and Sam let me have it. He told me I’m a dumbass and that you deserve better. And fuck it all you deserve the very best Cas. I want to give you the very best. You said that you are dead to me, but that is not true. I am so sorry that I made you feel that.” Dean sobs a bit before collecting himself enough to continue. “I never meant to make you feel anything but loved but I’m just so fucking stupid, Cas. I don’t know what I’m doing and I clearly don’t know how to love and I do care about you so very much Cas. You are my world. All I have is you and Sammy. Castiel… I love you. I am in love with you. I am a fuck up and I led you to believe I hated you. That’s how fucking terrible I am. And you broke up with me and left and it left me destroyed, Cas. I’m surprised I didn’t drink myself to death. I am a mess of a man, but fuck it all, fuck God, and fuck this whole thing. I love you, Castiel. Please come home to me. And I was so mad, hell I am so mad at God, at it all, at him saying that is was all his plan, his writing and rewriting, all of it. Every last piece. And it scared me. It scared me because I am so in love with you and he said it was all a lie. You tried to tell me, Cas, that whatever we have is real, but I didn’t listen, I just lashed out, and I am so sorry, Cas. But if you felt the same way, why didn’t you ever say anything? Sam says it’s because angels had rules and it was or is forbidden to love a human, but fuck that, right? Fuck the rules. Fuck all this ‘everything is for me’ bullshit God was pulling. You have free will. I have free will. And I love you. I, Dean Winchester, love you, Castiel, angel of the lord. And this is so embarrassing, but fuck Cas, please, please I don’t want to live this life without you. I don’t know how much time we have left and I want to be with you. I can’t promise I’ll be some reformed prince charming, but I promise I will do my best to give you everything of me, to ensure your happiness, to keep you safe, to shower you with love until the end of my days and if heaven still exists I hope I get you there too. I just can’t bare the thought of you being alone and hurt, Cas. I just. I don’t know what else I can say but I’m sorry. Sam misses you too. And if you don’t feel the same way, it’s okay. I’ll respect you all the same and give you space, but I won’t not try to keep you happy, but I won’t like kiss you when you don’t want me to. But I’d like to kiss you. I’d like to- well. Yeah. Anyway. Please, Castiel, love of my life, come home to me.” Dean sighs and hits stop on his recording. His thumb hovers between ‘delete’ and ‘share’ but in the end he sends it in a text to Cas and then promptly shuts his phone off and heads to bed.

———-

Cas lies in his bed at his hotel (he for once didn’t get a dingy hotel, but splurged for a nice place because he fuckng deserves it after everything he’s been through, is going through, whatever. He deserves nice bleach white crisp sheets and overhead lighting and a hairdryer and those little soaps. Not like it’s his money in the end.) staring at a 15 minute voice recording that Dean sent him a bit ago. He can’t bring himself to open it. Hell he can’t bring himself to text Sam back updates like he knows he should because even doing that reminds him of his broken heart that Dean left him with. Cas can’t lie to himself forever. He craves hearing Dean’s voice. His actual voice- not the screams and anger, but his true, textured, calm, playful voice. 15 minutes is not going to be that. It’s going to be angry. /why haven’t you called? Why haven’t you come back! We need you! We need your powers!/  _ Well, Dean Winchester, that’s all you want, isn’t it? That’s all I’m good for. Use my powers then scream because you can’t see what I see. Well guess what? Power’s out! I can barely heal myself when I need to, and if I need to use my powers on anyone else it feels like I’m literally ripping a part of my soul out. If I even have one of those. So I’m no good to you anymore. _

But after about 10 minutes of fake arguing in his head, Cas’ curiosity gets the best of him. 15 minutes isn’t nothing. Something must be seriously wrong. He sits up, presses play, and his jaw drops in shock the moment Dean starts talking.

\-----

Cas can’t remember breathing the entire time he listened to Dean’s voice message. Well until the tears came. A few sobs is enough oxygen to live on right? Cas literally is sat in shock hours after the message ends. He cannot process the words he just heard Dean Winchester say to him. He wishes with all his might that he could have /heard/ the prayer, but he’s thankful Dean was brave and courteous enough to do it this way. Maybe he’ll get his powers back, but to be honest he’d love these voice messages to continue. Cas swallows hard and decides to get ready for the day, though it’s 3am. He doesn’t know his next move, but he can’t process any thoughts right now, so he’s functioning one step at a time.

\-----

It’s three pm when Sam jolts upright on the couch when he hears a car outside. Cars don’t exactly just routinely drive down their road and Sam knows the sound of all the neighbors’ cars (who like miles away).

“CAS!” At Sam’s shout Dean come running into the living room from the kitchen where he was cooking lunch (yes lunch at 3pm. Listen it’s been a tough run.)

“What?! Sam, WHAT?!”

“Listen!” Sam tries to calm Dean down enough to hear the car, which shuts off right as he gets Dean to stop fidgeting with the air. “A car. Dean? He’s home?”

“It worked.” Dean gasps to himself mostly, but loud enough for Sam to hear. Sam doesn’t know what he did, but he hugs his brother and only lets him go when they hear the doorknob turn.

Dean makes a step toward the door. His heart feels like it’s beating outside his chest. Fear? Anxiety? Hope? Every emotion he’s ever felt feels amplified by infinity.

Cas hesitantly walks through the door. He shuts the door behind him and stares down at the boys. Or Dean. Just Dean. Their eyes are locked and both of them feel their hearts on fire and souls frozen in place.

“Dean.” Cas manages to get out. It sounds like every greeting he gives recently. Short, but behind the serious nature it raw emotion, hope, love.

Silence stretches between them until Sam is the one to break it. “Cas. I’m so glad you are back and safe!” He runs up the stairs and hugs Cas who returns he hug and smiles into his hair.

“Thank you Sam.” Cas moves to release from their hug and his eyes are back on Dean. Sam is staring down too, trying to get Dean to move by suggesting so with his eyes. The awkward poker faces don’t work though. Cas turns to Sam and gives him a nod with a shy smile. “Sam, I’m a bit hungry actually. Do you mind grabbing burgers out?”

Sam agrees and doesn’t even mention the entire meal Dean was preparing in the kitchen. He can take a hint and he knows whatever the fuck Dean did to get Cas back, well they need their space. This is going to be a long conversation, or well… Sam wouldn’t exactly be surprised if it ended in angry sex, but he shakes that idea out of his head. He’s going to the next town over for those burgers and will text for an all clear on his way home. It probably won’t happen with their past. Hell it’ll probably take Dean months to hold Cas’ hand in front of him, but Sam’s seen weirder occurrences transpire.

Once Sam shuts the door, Dean takes a step toward the stairs again, but is stopped when Cas moves to lean on his elbows on the railing. “Dean.” Cas drops his head and rubs his forehead with his clasped hands. Dean doesn’t dare move again in hopes he doesn’t push Cas out the door again. And just like that Cas is walking down the stairs and comes to stand at a normal distance from Dean facing him, locking eyes again. He feels too far away.

“Dean. I think we need to have a conversation.”

Dean coughs a laugh out and replies “so I’m taking it you got my message?”

“Dean. I-” Cas takes a small step toward Dean, but pulls back. He learned long ago the appropriate space he’s meant to afford to Dean. Even though he yearns to be close. To breathe him in.

“Cas. Please.” Dean begs, but doesn’t clarify right away. The space between them aches and the silence is deafening. Dean wants to pour his soul out at Cas, but he fears one small wrong move and Cas will bolt again. But he came back for a reason.

“Dean. I-” Cas tries again but the words won’t come out. “Did you mean it?”

“Cas, I meant it all.” Dean sees Cas’ eyes change. Brighter and wetter. “Every fucking word, Cas. Please stay home with us. With me.”

A noise escapes Cas’ throat. Dean can’t put meaning behind it. Cas closes his eyes with such force as if he’s using everything in his power to anchor himself to the ground and hide in the moment. When he opens his eyes again he whispers “okay” and closes the floorspace between them. Cas wants to do everything stupid he’s been fighting back for so long. But he won’t because he doesn’t want Dean to freak out like he does with everything else.

“Okay?” Dean whispers in response. Dean can’t hold back anymore. He wraps Cas in his arms and buries him face in his neck. He doesn’t want the moment to end, and by the feel of it Cas isn’t moving to budge either. Eventually Dean pulls away slowly and looks into Cas’ eyes. He keeps his hands on Cas’ shoulders to keep him from running and to steady himself. They are both crying, but smiling big stupid grins. “Okay. Let’s talk.” Dean lowers his arms, but takes one of Cas’ hands in his own and leads him gently to the couch. They sit next to each other closer than they normally would allow themselves.

“How long have you been wanting to say those words to me?” Cas asks about the whole situation indirectly since he halfway believes Dean won’t actually ever say those words to his face, but he might reference a voice message. Cas doesn’t want it to be the case, but this is a huge step for Dean and he will take what he can get.

Dean stills his chills and responds “How long have I wanted to tell you that I am in love with you, Castiel? Is that what you are asking?” Dean can feel the fear rising in heat behind his ears. On a normal day he wouldn’t have said the words, but his normal behavior is what got him in this predicament to begin. He musters all the courage he has and continues when Cas nods. “Forever.” He finishes.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Now hold on, Cas. I didn’t tell you because I don’t know how you feel and how stupid would I be to tell an angel I was in love with him and have you tell me you aren’t even capable of those emotions or something, embarrassing myself infinitely? I’d never be able to be around you again and you’d probably never look at me again and take off and well… I guess that’s what happened in the end anyway… Hell I /still/ don’t know how you feel. I mean. I showed you my soul there Cas. But now I guess you want me to say it here for real in front of you? So. Fine. I am in love with you!”

“Dean you already said that” Cas can’t help but chuckle.

“I’ll keep saying it until I convince you and forever thereafter!” Dean jokingly threatens. He’s confused at the tone this conversation has taken. This is supposed to be a serious conversation and they are laughing?

“Dean” Cas brings back the serious tone “I’m here aren’t I?”

“Well yeah, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“You said you don’t know how I feel. I came home. To you.” Cas doesn’t think he’s actually getting through to Dean. He hears what he fears to be true.

“To tell me that it can’t work and you forgot your bags?” Dean learned long ago not to hope for anything but the worst. It’s a way to protect himself. He’s been hurt too much time and time again.

“No, Dean Winchester. Because I love you back. I have loved you since the first moment I touched your soul. I was bound to you. But my feelings…” Cas senses Dean ever so slightly recoil at the notion that the are fate for each other, because that means it was because of God all along. “My feelings are my own. God didn’t tell me to fall in love with you. Fuck, I am pretty sure at one part he meant for me to kill you but of course that wasn’t going to happen. No Dean, everything between us. Whatever the hell it is. It’s not God’s doing. It’s all us. I love you with my entire existence for forever. It’s not fake. I don’t know what I can do to make you understand that and I am so,  _ so  _ sorry that you have doubts that it’s true. I understand why you would think otherwise, but I’ve been  _ trying  _ to tell you. It’s just you and me. I’m staying. If you’ll have me.”

“I’m so sorry Cas. Of course I’ll have you. I wouldn’t want you anywhere else but by my side. I love you. Always and forever. I am just freaking out. Because I fought those feelings for so long out of fear of losing you and then God told me nothing was real and I freaked out. I know typical me, right? If he decided everything, then I just thought that he made me have feelings for you as some fucked up special torture method for Dean Winchester. The easiest and cruelest way to hurt me, through my heart. Cas, I- I don’t believe I deserve to be loved and there you were always by my side and I wanted you there always and then I lost you because I thought he made it all up. He- he’s in my head and I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t. Fuck, at this point I don’t care I just love you. I want to live the rest of my cursed life with you in my arms. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay Dean. I forgive you. I thought you were mad at me. That you hated me. That you never liked me and were just using me for my powers. Hell I still believed that until I listened to your prayer. He’s in my head too. But I know with my entire being that I love you and that my feelings are real, Dean. I’m not going anywhere again.”

“Your powers-” Dean remembers the weakness.

“It’s fine. I mean, no, it’s not. But we’ll figure it out. Like we always do. If I’m human, well I’m in good company.”

Dean laughs at the resoluteness of Cas’ words. He throws caution to the wind and moves in and gives Cas a peck on the lips. Dean meets Cas’ eyes with a smile, attempting to calm his racing heart that he’s sure Cas can still sense.

Cas smiles shyly in return. “Yeah I’ll stay for more of that, thanks” and kisses Dean back quickly. When he pulls back they are both smiling and beaming more than they have in, well, since either of them can remember. “Dean, I actually am hungry though. When’s Sam coming back?”

Dean throws his head back in laughter and burrows in close to Cas’ side. He pulls out his phone to text Sam ‘Hey! Where are those burgers? We’re good. Come back!’

Sam replies ‘So when’s the wedding?’


End file.
